If You’re Nasty….

Whew.

This campaign has been completely mind-blowing, and not in a good way. Every day I wake up with a pit in my stomach, wondering what new sexist, degrading Trump quote is going to be blasted over all media. I honestly can’t decide whether sexism is harder to deal with when it’s subtle or when it’s as overt as the Trump campaign has been. When it’s subtle, like a bandmate making a joke that he hopes your outfit is see-through on stage, it’s easier to laugh off but harder to stand up to as it gradually eats away at your soul. When it’s overt, there are plenty of people calling it out and there’s a safety in numbers in that respect, but it’s incredibly painful when so many others, including people you love and respect, minimize or trivialize it.

Last night’s debate was a Hillary Clinton master class in turning the tables on a sexist bully. She won’t win over any of Trump’s supporters because they just hate her too much, but I can’t imagine anyone denying that NOTHING intimidates her. That’s a thick skin and a controlled mind, and I’m in awe. She deserves to shatter that last glass ceiling.

There are a million think pieces on a million websites written by writers who are a million times better at analysis than I am and I’m learning so much from all of the reading I’ve been doing in the free time I have before my new job starts. I’m not even going to try to write an analysis of the whole debate. My brain hurts enough as it is. There was just one point that stuck out for me that spoke so much to my personal experience in a male-dominated business that I just need to purge a bit. The “nasty woman.”

UUUUGGGGHHHH!!! It’s so easy, isn’t it? It’s so easy to shut a woman down when you don’t like what comes out of her mouth, no matter how true it may be. “Crazy.” “Emotional.” “Nasty.” “Bitch.” When a man is verbally backed into a corner by a woman and can’t talk his way out, he can always use one of these crutches to preserve his own ego. It’s LAZY! It’s pathetic. So many times I’ve heard stories in my industry about this woman or that woman who is “difficult” or a “bitch” or a “diva”, only to find out how intelligent and capable she is when I meet her in person. I also know a lot of men who skate by mostly on the fact that men can get away with things that women can’t, who are intimidated by a woman who may be smarter or more knowledgeable about the business. Some men can not stand to hear that they’re wrong when it comes from a feminine voice, no matter how nice that voice is trying to be. I admire Hillary Clinton so much for holding steady and not letting that rattle her, but once again a woman has to withstand and put up with more than this particular man ever could. The double standards are maddening.

I spent much of my music career muting my opinions on sexism and double standards because otherwise I wouldn’t have had much of a music career. Now that I’m scaling back on performing I’ve become much more outspoken on social media. I can’t hold it in anymore. I’m so tired of people who don’t recognize sexism for what it is and when it’s happening. I’m frustrated that more women don’t recognize their own oppression, and how much more they are than what they have settled for. I’m especially over the mansplainers who keep trying to prove my points wrong (usually with poor grammar and syntax, while reading comprehension is another issue altogether) no matter how many other posters pile on in my defense. I’m trying so hard not to hate people in general right now.

Fortunately, I’m finding that there are wonderful men who get it. There are incredible women who are willing to take a stand on these issues. I’m finding so many more of them the more I speak out. My husband worries that I’ll piss off the wrong person at some point, and that is a legitimate concern that has crossed my mind. It does make me nervous that I could lose professional and personal opportunities because someone will think I’m too “nasty”.

But at the end of the day, you can’t please everyone. For every person who may think my opinions and outspokenness make me a bitch, there is another who tells me that they appreciate it. The other day I received a text from a friend asking a question about an article I posted about feminism. His question was sincere, and he said he was asking because he respects me and my ability to articulate my viewpoints. It meant a lot. I’m developing a thicker skin, but it’s a struggle to maintain it at times because my emotional default is sensitivity. However, at this point it hurts worse to hold it in, and I’m choosing to channel it into learning as much as I can so that I can continue to articulate why feminism is so important, and why women deserve an equal seat at the tables of power in any profession.

When there are no other words…

Today my head is full of expletives. Tuesday night, national hero Hillary Clinton celebrated numerous primary victories. This prompted expletives of the “Fuck YES!” variety. Then came the male pundits with the usual “her voice is grating” and “why isn’t she smiling” tweets. My mental expletives made a U-turn into “Go FUCK yourself” territory. (Is there another word as gloriously versatile as “fuck”?)

I’m so tired of this crap. Hillary, like most women, can’t fucking win. Ever. If she’s demure, she’s faking it or not a strong enough leader. If she’s speaking passionately, she’s “too angry and emotional.” And telling her to smile? The woman is more qualified than of any of those other dingdong candidates who want to be the leader of the free world, and these fuckwits are telling her she’s not smiling enough? It takes a helluva lot of ego to condescend to anyone with her litany of accomplishments. What does a woman have to do to earn any fucking respect? You don’t have to agree with her policy ideas, but she’s accomplished far too much to be reduced to whether her facial expressions and voice inflections are acceptable to these uppity male pundits. If a law degree, US Senate and Secretary of State aren’t enough to earn Hillary respect as an equal, what chance do the rest of us mere mortals have? Fucking fuckity fuck.

I’m struggling this election season. I need to start ignoring political discussions on social media because of I’m afraid I’ll have a stroke from all of the blinding rage. How can any woman think of voting for some of these people? Do they not have any self respect? Every one of those Republican candidates treats women like they are children incapable of making the best decisions for their own lives. Instead of providing services to help lower income and working mothers so they can provide for all these babies they’re supposed to pop out, they talk about restricting abortions, birth control access, cuts to the “takers”, etc. Fuck those guys. Fuck Trump. Fuck Cruz. Fuck Kasich. Fuck all of ‘em.

I like Bernie. He’s definitely entertaining. I like his ideas. I’ll vote for him if he gets the nomination. The other option is unthinkable to me.

Bernie yells. No one has a problem with this. He can be the country’s grumpy grandpa all he wants and still be The Man according to his supporters. Hillary is “shrill.” People “can’t stand her voice.” She’s “disrespectful.” Ugh. STFU. Her voice is authoritative. She’s assertive. Sometimes aggressive. Politicians have to be. How else is she supposed to command respect? By asking nicely if you will allow her to speak? FUUUUUUCK YOOOUUUUU!!!!

Another one of my favorite anti-Clinton talking points is “Hillary lies.” Guess what, idiots? She’s a politician. THEY ALL FUCKING LIE! They all lie, “flip-flop”, change their minds, make underhanded deals, etc. It’s all part of the political game and completely embedded in our system. I don’t like it, but it’s what we’re working with right now. This point was recently brought up on a Facebook post by the mother of a dear friend whom I’ve always been extremely fond of. “Why doesn’t anyone have a problem with Hillary’s lies?” Why do people have less of a problem with Trump’s lies? With Rubio’s lies? Hell, even Bernie doesn’t have a 100% truth telling record. Hillary gets more crap for her “lies” than anyone. And it’s entirely because she’s a woman. Women are PEOPLE! We’re not less than men. We’re also not more than men, so stop putting us on fucking pedestals and holding our mistakes against us longer than any man would have to endure it. I know little kids put their mommies on pedestals and their mommies can do no wrong, but guess what? Mommy is a person too. Children need to grow up and cool it with the double standards. Mommy has strengths and weaknesses just like any other person. Hillary hasn’t done anything that an equally successful male politician wouldn’t do, but she’s gotten a shitload of more grief for it.

I’m taking this personally. I’m aware of this. I’ve spent a long time in a business where I’ve worked almost entirely with men. As long as I’m sweet and go along with what they want, everything is gravy. As soon as I set boundaries for my own personal and professional well-being, boundaries that do not impede on anyone else’s boundaries, I am considered difficult. If I get angry about this, I’m too emotional and unreasonable.  I’ve had numerous instances when I’ve inadvertently outshone the men I work with, and they start treating me like absolute crap because their egos can’t handle a woman who might be smarter or more talented than they are. I’m supposed to make THEM look good, but I’m not supposed to enjoy any success for myself. I’m thisclose to throwing in the towel on my performing career because I don’t want to deal with it anymore, and it’s only been 10 years. Hillary? She’s still in the game after dealing with this for almost 30 years in the public eye, and she probably dealt with it long before she was a public figure. I’m completely awe of her.  I feel beat up after only 10 years, and here’s Hillary, still standing, still going, still working. There are many reasons given by researchers and journalists for why there aren’t as many women in leadership positions in almost every field, but I honestly think a lot of it is because it takes too much of an emotional toll. How many times can we get knocked down by chauvinistic men, and then get back up and keep pushing through so we can achieve what we want? How many times can we stand to be told to “stay in our place” overtly or otherwise, before we say “ENOUGH” and look for a less soul-destroying path?

Hillary is hanging in there long after many would have retired, especially when she’s already guaranteed a spot in the history books. If a woman has the energy, strength and resilience to stay in the game this long and withstand the constant criticism and double standards, she can handle the toughest job in the world (and yes, I agree with the majority of her platform so I’m not just voting for her because she’s a woman, thank you very much). This completely insane election season is happening at a time in my life when I need some inspiration to get back up and deal with more patriarchal bullshit if I want to continue on this career path. I’ve already voted in my state’s primary, so no matter what happens I can at least say that I cast a vote for a female president at least once in my lifetime. When I cast that ballot, it affected me far more emotionally than I ever expected. Until recently I’ve never been a huge Hillary fan, but watching this election cycle and imagining what kind of resolve it takes to work at the level she still does while dealing with so much bullshit is awe-inspiring. She’s taking a giant one for the lady team. I really fucking hope it pays off.

It’s too late to ‘pologize… it’s too laaaaaaaate……

Lately I’ve seen a lot of essays about women who admit to apologizing too much. Apologizing for taking up space, for asking for anything, for simply existing. And I am SO guilty of this. I have a habit of walking down the street, shoulders hunched, eyes down, – granted, it’s mostly because I’m an introvert and sometimes I really just don’t want to deal with people, but I tend to not want to take up space in the world. Weird I know because I’m a performer, since that naturally involves putting myself out there in front of a lot of people but the stage is strangely a safe zone for me. It’s a persona I can happily discard after a show.

I also have a habit of saying “excuse me, sorry” if I so much as brush up against someone accidentally. It could very well be that this person has gotten in my way, possibly inadvertently because of my mad quest not to draw attention to myself, but I will still add “sorry”  and an eyes lowered, demure smile to my “excuse me.” Why do I do that? Why do I automatically assume that I have less of a right to the shared space than the other person? Why is the added apology necessary? It’s a habit that makes me mad at myself every time I do it, but I’m working on it.

These are public spaces with apologies to strangers, and it can be hard to avoid apologizing for taking up any sort of space when you’ve cultivated the habit for your entire life. What about spaces where a woman should have the right to claim her space, like at home or in her career? What is the best way to assertively take deserved physical and emotional space and set boundaries without feeling the need to apologize for it?

Simply telling a woman to be more assertive isn’t enough, because any assertive woman runs the risk of appearing bitchy and unlikable. The men need to cooperate too. They need to be secure enough to give up some of their space to a capable woman. Ever notice that whenever someone posts an inspiring pep talk meme on social media (“say what you feel,” “fear nothing”, etc), it’s almost always a woman? So many of us constantly give ourselves pep talks before we assert ourselves. So many times I’ve gone through imaginary conversations in the bathroom mirror with the men I deal with, to rehearse before a potentially unpleasant conversation, to convince myself that my needs are reasonable, to practice setting boundaries for my own physical and mental health.  We are trained to take care of everyone else, but if we burn out doing that, who is going to take care of us? And are we expected to apologize  and do better if we inconvenience anyone for this? Quite often, we are.

Unfortunately, from my experience it’s even harder to stand up for yourself when you’re the only woman in your working environment. I’ve now been in 4 bands, and I’ve handled it differently each time, with varying but usually low levels of success. I went from rarely asking for anything, trying to avoid conflict and keeping the peace in my first bands, to setting boundaries and learning to say “no” to requests that are unnecessary or impossible in the more recent ones. I bent over backwards with cooperation and extra work with the early bands, and gradually the tide has turned to where I can hold everyone accountable for contributing where they can and refusing to take on more than I can handle. I feel a helluva lot better about myself as a result.

Unfortunately, the men I’ve worked with were much happier with overly cooperative, conflict avoidant and people-pleasing Meem than assertive, boundary-setting, not-afraid-to-say-no Meem. Sometimes I miss the much sweeter, younger version of myself and find myself envious of those sweet girls just starting out in their first bands, but it came at a serious cost to my self-esteem. In my first bands I blamed myself whenever I was mistreated by a band member. My father was an experienced musician and once told me that “women in bands are just a pain in the ass” as a blanket statement, and I bought it because it never occurred to me that my father was the same as these guys were – a chauvinistic dude who played music, not wise, all-knowing God (who is of course a man).  Before I recognized that I was dealing with a serious case of internalized misogyny, I was so determined not to be the typical pain in the ass woman that I swallowed my feelings every time I was treated unfairly until I would freak out over what seemed to my bandmates to be something insignificant. I would go over situations again and again in my head to try to figure out what I had done wrong and how I could fix it, because I was conditioned to believe that if something wasn’t going well it had to be my fault.  Women just cause all of the problems with those dang feelings and shit! Eventually I would apologize and start swallowing more shit, because God forbid any of the guys would take responsibility for the conflict or admit that they might be at fault where a woman was concerned. It was too much of a blow to their fragile egos.

Over the course of 4 bands my perspective has shifted to a place where I feel comfortable saying no, but the guys don’t like it. I have no more guilt about refusing requests that I find unreasonable, but if you’re working with men who are either unable or unwilling to put themselves in a woman’s shoes to understand the reasons for such a refusal, you could find yourself out of a job. I can explain my position until I’m blue in the face, but in the end it still doesn’t matter if mob mentality takes over with the menfolk. Everything is gravy as long as you are sweet and accommodating and willing to swallow the shit, but a woman who refuses a man’s requests, no matter how rational her reasons, is automatically “difficult” or “not a team player” or has a “bad attitude.” The feelings of the men are valid, the woman’s are minimized. Guys can argue with each other and forget about it 5 seconds later because they are coming from a base of mutual respect. When a man and a woman disagree, an insecure man has to “win”. If he loses it could be humiliating and cause long-term resentment against the woman. For the woman, constantly submitting to keep the peace comes at a high emotional and physical cost that I am no longer willing to pay. As long as no one is getting mistreated I am quite willing and able to work through disagreements with a male co-worker like adults, but it’s not going to end happily if the man must win no matter what.

A lot of the most successful women I know are in bands where they are the boss, and at this point I’m pretty sure that’s the only way to happily stay in this business long term if you have a vagina. Bands hire young women they think they can groom, and eventually that young woman gets older and tired of the shit swallowing and either joins another band, starts her own, scales down her ambitions or leaves the business altogether. So then the band hires someone younger who is still willing to apologize for things she shouldn’t have to, and the cycle continues. Just like in corporate America, there needs to be more women at the heads of their companies/bands so that more men get used to seeing a capable woman in charge, and learn that it’s not weak or emasculating to see things from the feminine perspective. Then eventually we could see a shift to where both a man and a woman’s needs are considered equal even if they are different and everyone can work together to create a successful project.

The Force is Strong with this Costume

This may have mild spoilers from the latest Star Wars movie so proceed only if you’ve seen it.

My husband books the entertainment for a popular local nightclub, and for the past two years he booked my band to play Halloween. The first year we played, the band had some conflicts between those of us who wanted to go all out with costumes (since that is usually what is expected of bands who play on Halloween, and my husband expects that of the band he books) and those who whined like children that they hated dressing up on Halloween because they didn’t like being uncomfortable on stage. (Nevermind as the woman I’ll almost always be uncomfortable on stage, particularly for private events, but that’s a rant for another time). We finally settled on dressing up as bikers, since we could get away with wearing jeans and dressing things up with creative facial hair or fake tattoos. A lazy idea, especially since one of the guys had done it before with his former band, but with Sons of Anarchy closing out the series last fall it seemed culturally appropriate.

So this past Halloween, the guys decided they wanted to do Star Wars. And they of course assumed I would dress as Princess Leia, since “there’s a Princess Leia costume on Amazon for 40 bucks.” There are two choices of Princess Leia costumes  – slave girl bikini and giant white muumuu. Sorry boys, not wearing a bikini on stage for a bunch of 20-something bros to ogle and possibly attempt to manhandle. So then you have the choice of overflowing muumuu or tight slutty muumuu. No, and no. Not to mention the concern of wearing white on stage under lights – how expensive is the costume with the high enough quality material that I won’t be inadvertently showing off the goods? Leia wore other costumes in the original trilogy, people! But yet her two most impractical outfits are the most iconic. Any fanboys have an answer as to why that is? Ugh, Ginger Rogers may have done everything a man can do backwards and in high heels*, but it really sucks that she had to.

Fuck that shit. I was not going to be more uncomfortable on stage than my male bandmates who have so many other character choices from an iconic film series. So I started a search for “female Star Wars costume”, thinking that even an Ewok costume would be better than my Leia choices (hard pass on slutty R2D2 though). Fortunately, I started finding costumes for a character named Rey. I’m not a die-hard Star Wars fan but I know enough that I would have recognized another interesting female character from the first two trilogies, though I hadn’t paid much attention to the trailers for the new movie. Once I realized that Rey was a major character in The Force Awakens and her costume was neither skimpy nor impractical, I bought it immediately. It was perfect – comfortable enough to perform in, and judging by my husband’s reaction I looked pretty damn good in it.

I had an absolute blast performing in that costume – I felt confident and sexy and I could move like I always do on stage, whereas I would have felt completely self-conscious in either Leia costume. And this was before the movie came out. I finally saw The Force Awakens today, and I now realize that I got to be the biggest badass on stage that night even if no one knew it yet. Rey is one of the best female characters in a movie this side of Katniss Everdeen. She’s tough, resourceful and smart, and on top of it she’s in all likelihood a freakin’ Jedi! The girl was crushing it with the Force, and had to rescue the guys on numerous occasions. It looks like her story will be the main focus of the new trilogy, and the character is totally deserving of that.  I especially loved that there wasn’t much emphasis on the fact that she’s a girl. She’s just a character worthy of the respect that she earns from the other characters. What a terrific example for the little boys and girls who will be the Star Wars fans of a new generation.

So thanks Rey, for being an awesome character with an awesome costume so I didn’t have to dress as slutty Star Wars for Halloween. And for proving that women can still look good while kicking ass in practical clothing.

*Quote attributed to Faith Whittlesey, but it was actually Bob Thaves according to gingerrogers.com.

 

This is what a smart, resourceful, capable female movie character looks like.